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Available northgeorgialivesteamers. That's all. Symbolism's extra. You want a comparative discussion-Melville and Hawthorne? That could be arranged for a hundred. I shaved and grabbed some black coffee while I checked over the Monarch College Outline series.

Hardly an hour had passed before there was a knock on my door. I 53 Woody Allen 54 opened it, and standing there was a young redhead who was packed into her slacks like two big scoops of vanilla ice cream. Long straight hair, leather bag, silver earrings, no makeup. She lit a cigarette and got right to it. I wanted to see if she'd go for it. Paradise Lost lacked the substructure of pessimism. God, you're right," I murmured.

She was barely nineteen years old, but already she had developed the hardened facility of the pseudo-intellectual.

She rattled off her ideas glibly, but it was all mechanical. Whenever I offered an insight, she faked a response: "Oh, yes, Kaiser. Yes, baby, that's deep. A platonic comprehension of Christianity-why didn't I see it before? She stood up and I laid a C-note on her. She sat down again. Without Feathers "Like, what kind of party?

I flashed my private-investigator's badge and informed her it was a bust. You can do time. Unless you want to tell your story down at Alfred Kazin's office, and I don't think he'd be too happy to hear it. I've been turned down for a grant. Oh, Christ.

Central Park West upbringing, Socialist summer camps, Brandeis. She was every dame you saw waiting in line at the Elgin or the Thalia, or penciling the words "Yes, very true" into the margin of some book on Kant. Only somewhere along the line she had made a wrong turn. A girl friend said she knew a married guy whose wife wasn't very profound. He was into Blake. She couldn't hack it.

I said sure, for a price I'd talk Blake with him. I was nervous at first. I faked a lot of it. He didn't care. My friend said there were others. Oh, I've been busted before.

I got caught reading Commentary in a parked car, and I was once stopped and frisked at Tanglewood. Once more and I'm a three-time loser. You'll see. You're off the hook.

But don't leave town. The salesman, a young man with sensitive eyes, came up to me. I understand the author had several thousand goldleaf copies printed up for friends. He pressed a button. A wall of books opened, and I walked like a lamb into that bustling pleasure palace known as Flossie's. Red flocked wallpaper and a Victorian decor set the tone.

Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively. A blonde with a big smile winked at me, nodded toward a room upstairs, and said, "Wallace Stevens, eh? For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close. For one-fifty, you could listen to FM radio with twins.

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For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish Without Feathers brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing-the perfect evening, for some guys. Nice racket. Great town, New York. I turned and suddenly found myself standing face to face with the business end of a.

I'm a guy with a strong stomach, but this time it did a back flip.

The Complete Prose

It was Flossie, all right. The voice was the same, but Flossie was a man. His face was hidden by a mask. I was thrown out for low grades. I went to Mexico for an operation. There's a doctor in Juarez who gives people Trilling's features-for a price. Something went wrong. I came out looking like Auden, with Mary McCarthy's voice. That's when I started working the other side of the law. Heaving forward, I snapped my elbow across his jaw and grabbed the gun as he fell back.

He hit the ground like a ton of bricks. He was still whimpering when the police showed up. A little matter involving some gamblers and an annotated copy of Dante's Inferno.

Take him away, boys. She was blond. She had graduated cum laude. The difference was she majored in physical education. It felt good. There are no late essays, because he ran out of observations.

Perhaps as Allen grows older he will understand more of life and will set it down, and then retire to his bedroom and remain there indefinitely. Like the essays of Bacon, Allen's are brief and full of practical wisdom, although space does not permit the inclusion of his most profound statement, "Looking at the Bright Side.

Consider the leaves, so green and leafy if not, something is wrong. Behold how the branches reach up to heaven as if to say, "Though I am only a branch, still I would love to collect Social Security.

Is this tree a spruce or poplar? Or a giant redwood? No, I'm afraid it's a stately elm, and once again you've made an ass of yourself. Of course, you'd know all the trees in a minute if you were nature's creature the woodpecker, but then it would be too late and you'd never get your car started. But why is a tree so much more delightful than, say, a babbling brook?

Or anything that babbles, for that matter? Because its glorious presence is mute testimony to an intelligence far greater than any on earth, certainly in the 61 Woody 62 Allen present Administration. As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"-probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Once a lumberjack was about to chop down a tree, when he noticed a heart carved on it, with two names inside. Putting away his axe, he sawed down the tree instead. The point of that story escapes me, although six months later the lumberjack was fined for teaching a dwarf Roman numerals. On Youth and Age The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the midtown area in his shorts.

What do years matter, particularly if your apartment is rent-controlled? The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave.

Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Consider, then: Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully! And why is there no buffer to the onslaught of the years? Or a good hotel in downtown Indianapolis?

Oh, well. In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald. On the other hand, if you are over eighty, it is extremely good form to shuffle down the street clutching a brown paper bag and muttering, "The Kaiser will steal my string. If it's not, we must begin again. Without Feathers On Frugality As one goes through life, it is extremely important to conserve funds, and one should never spend money on anything foolish, like pear nectar or a solid-gold hat.

Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health. After all, one cannot go into a butcher shop and tell the butcher, "Look at my great suntan, and besides I never catch colds," and expect him to hand over any merchandise.

Unless, of course, the butcher is an idiot. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Not that it can download happiness. Take the case of the ant and the grasshopper: The grasshopper played all summer, while the ant worked and saved. When winter came, the grasshopper had nothing, but the ant complained of chest pains. Life is hard for insects.


And don't think mice are having any fun, either. The point is, we all need a nest egg to fall back on, but not while wearing a good suit.

Finally, let us bear in mind that it is easier to spend two dollars than to save one. And for God's sake don't invest money in any brokerage firm in which one of the partners is named Frenchy. On Love Is it better to be the lover or the loved one?

The Complete Prose of Woody Allen

Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love-the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. The marvelous thing is that when one is in love there is an impulse to sing. This must be resisted at all costs, and care must also be taken to see that the ardent male doesn't "talk" the lyrics of songs. To be loved, certainly, is different from being admired, as one can be admired from afar 63 64 Allen but to really love someone it is essential to be in the same room with the person, crouching behind the drapes.

To be a really good lover, then, one must be strong and yet tender. How strong? I suppose being able to lift fifty pounds should do it. Bear in mind also that to the lover the loved one is always the most beautiful thing imaginable, even though to a stranger she may be indistinguishable from an order of smelts. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Should the beholder have poor eyesight, he can ask the nearest person which girls look good. Actually, the prettiest ones are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

Try visiting a sick friend. If this is impossible, see a show or get into a nice warm tub and read. Anything is better than turning up in a copse with one of those vacuous smiles and accumulating flowers in a basket. Next thing you know, you'll be skipping to and fro. What are you going to do with the violets once you get them, anyhow? What a stupid answer. Nowadays you call the florist and order by phone.

Let him trip through the copse, he's getting paid for it. That way, if an electrical storm comes up or a beehive is chanced upon, it will be the florist who is rushed to Mount Sinai. Do not conclude from this, incidentally, that I am Without Feathers insensitive to the joys of nature, although I have come to the conclusion that for sheer fun it is hard to beat fortyeight hours at Foam Rubber City during the high holidays.

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Blake dreamed of it too, and O'Higgins who had his suit Stolen while he was still in it. Bitterness slowly crept into the marriage, and by the time Lovborg was six years old his parents exchanged gunfire daily. Because its glorious presence is mute testimony to an intelligence far greater than any on earth, certainly in the 61 Woody 62 Allen present Administration.

The Boeing 747 gives a k relevant item, here did to by the information summer; Jumbo Jet". He's in Oslo now. Hardly an hour had passed before there was a knock on my door. O'Connel was a great influence on O'Shawn's style and ultimately convinced him that every poem need not begin, "Roses are red, violets are blue.